Last year when I was diagnosed with lymphoma I was severely anemic, and that continued throughout my chemo, but my oncologist told me to stop taking iron supplements because my body couldn’t use the iron during treatment, and I might build up a toxicity. Anyway, I never resumed supplementing my iron intake after finishing chemo. Continue reading More Fun with Iron Deficiency Anemia
February 20, 2009, I had to put the love of my life, my beautiful cat, K, to sleep. Last year around this time I learned that my he had an inoperable nasal adenocarcinoma (shortly thereafter I learned I had a primary bone lymphoma too). K and I both went through chemo-therapy for about 6 months (6 for me 8 for him). Anyway, his tumor returned sometime around December of 2008, and things have been a bit up and down with him for the last few months.
His breathing would seem to be blocked, then it would clear up. When he has trouble breathing he’s not much for eating, but when it cleared again, he’d be back into his food and begging for extra. Anyway I’d been lulled by the up and down nature of his illness into a kind of denial of what I was going to have to do, even as I was preparing to have it done. I’d notice the Sunday before I had to put him down that he’d lost about a pound of weight, and I found that worrying, but then Tuesday of that week when I got home from work he was waiting for me at the door, just like old times, and he raced me to his food bowl. His breathing was cleared, and he was a hungry boy. We cuddled on the sofa for a good part of the rest of the evening, and he came to bed with me for a bit before begging to be let out to roam the rest of the house. Wednesday was the same, and I was feeling pretty relieved that he was doing better, and maybe his tumor was even shrinking again.
Thursday though, I got home from work and there was no one waiting for me. I didn’t think to much of it though because sometimes he likes to sleep with my hubby (he works nights so he goes to sleep in the afternoon and my kitty generally naps all afternoon anyway). Anyway, I made myself a snack and sat down to do some computer stuff. When I finished my snack I noticed about 40 minutes had passed, and I was able to complete an entire snack with no visitor. So I popped into the study where he sometimes like to sleep under the desk and was confronted with my baby sitting in the middle of the floor dripping blood from his nose and mouth. The corner that he normally naps in was covered in blood, and he looked like he was in shock. That was the start of a horrible night.
By Friday morning at 8:00AM I made a call to Dr. Amy the Housecall Vet . K always hated going to the vet, and when he started getting sick in December and I realized I would most likely have to have him euthanized, I had started searching for vets who might perform that service here at our house. I honestly just didn’t want his last moments on earth to be that horrible combination of a terrifying drive to the vet’s office, followed by the trauma of being in a vets office with strange dogs and cats, followed by a lethal visit with a strange vet who thinks he’s feral. Luckily for me and K, I found Dr. Amy who comes to the patient. She had been over to visit him earlier in the month, and she was acquainted with his circumstances. I told her I thought it was time, and she came over shortly thereafter. She didn’t have an assistant who could help, but I was comfortable with helping her look after him. Still it was so hard. I was hoping she’d tell me she didn’t think it was time yet, that she might have something that would help, but I guess I always knew better.
My -inlaws came over to provide some moral support, and K didn’t even get up to do his normal inspections (even at his sickest in the past he’s never let a guest get by without a serious once over). He was similarly disinterested when the vet showed up, in spite of her having a big box full of stuff he could get into. He didn’t want Dr. Amy messing with his forearms too much (she shaved one to examine the veins), and she said there was no need to rush anything we could just take things slowly and let him adjust. I took him outside and walked him around the yard, because he always loved being in the yard. The doctor didn’t think we’d be able to get the needle in his veins without sedating him, so after he’d wandered around a bit (and been sick again) she gave him a sedative. When he started to get a little woozy I picked him up and cradled him on my shoulder, and he drifted off to sleep there. Shortly after that he was given a lethal dose of anasthetic and passed away with his little face cradled in my hands.
I’m so shattered by the loss of him, I just realized today that it’s been nearly 3 weeks since his death, and I still cry for the loss of him. My husband has been great, everyone has really, but I would do anything to have his sidle up and try to wedge himself into the nook between me and the sofa arm again. It was truly horrible having to euthanize him, still I’m relieved I could put a peaceful end to his suffering. I’m very greatful for Dr. Amy’s services, but it just breaks my heart that it had to come to that. Other than the tumor he was in great health, a really strong and vital little guy. His oncologist had told me last year that it would be like this, that the tumor wouldn’t kill him, it would just leave him in misery, and I’d have to make the call to end his suffering, but even with a year to prepare; I still feel so devastated. I miss him so very much, and I just pray that he’s at peace. Much love to you my sweet beautiful boy, you were such a blessing in my life; you’ll be loved forever and never forgotten.
I’ve been feeling guilty about not writing lately, but I’ve made a commitment to myself to eat home cooked lunches and work out twice daily, and that takes a lot of time; I seem to always be full of good ideas that take a lot of time. Anyway, I’ve kept to my commitment, and I feel good about it, but the site has really suffered for it. I even had some time off around Christmas, but I spent that time away from the computer, mainly in the pool. My pool has really become one of my best friends. I can have a massive sweaty work out when I get home from work, and then jump into the pool to cool off… being able to actually jump into the pool for the first time was a real treat for me. My pelvis has been in various stages of brokenness since we bought the house, and I’ve always been afraid to jump into the pool with a mess of a pelvis. I was feeling so good around Christmas though, I figured I’d give it a go… what a blast Continue reading Getting Better With a Jiggle
I’ve been feeling a lot more energetic lately. So far I’ve lost 29 pounds and last week I was even able to complete an entire tae bo workout without stopping or skimping or anything twice in one week, after working a whole day even. I was horribly sore for days afterward, but I did it. I’m probably lucky I’ve lost anything this month, but my weight loss has been going really, exceptionally well. That’s in spite of there being about a morning tea (work party for my American friends) nearly every week of the month for which I’ve made chocolate gelato, coffee almond crunch cake, cheese cake, ice cream cake, and pumpkin pie, thank God the people I work with eat it all up :). It’s actually nice to be able to enjoy a good home made dessert, without having a bunch of it sitting around to tempt you into having too much. Plus I REALLY enjoy making desserts so it’s been quite fun. The crunch cake was based on a Gordon Ramsay recipe & it was really delicious, so was the cheese cake. Really, so far I’ve been very pleased with the quality of the recipes in his books. I’ve made quite a few things from “Healthy Appetite” and “Cooking for Friends” and I’ll have to write a review of them because they’ve been quite satisfying; easy to prepare, and yet quite flavorsome. Continue reading Me & Kitty Still Hanging In There
I’ve been so tired lately I just haven’t had the energy to write. When I get home from work I don’t even really want to look at my computer, though that’s when I have to tally up what I’ve eaten for the day. Lately I’ve been too low on my calories throughout the day, and I’m just not all that hungry, but I know I should eat more; just not for my dinner meal. I also have to tally up my exercise for the day, and then fit some extra in to meet my goals. I am feeling pretty good lately though; the only thing is everytime I get a cough or a pain in my hip I freak out a little on the inside about the lymphoma coming back. Continue reading It’s Been Awhile
I’m feeling resolutely human of late, and I don’t think I care for it. I’ve always been quite strapping, pretty well bursting with energy most of the time, plus a little invincible feeling. I’m stunned that just going into the office a couple days a week, managing a bit of public transport, water cooler talk with my work mates… is killing me. I need to take an afternoon walk when I go into the office to keep myself from clean passing out at my desk. I feel like a broken record too, I’m stuck in the “I’m so tired” groove, and I wish someone would give my needle a good flick. Everything I ever thought feeling tired was, is energetic compared to this. It’s funny too because I’m eating some of the best meals and in the best proportions that I ever have. No caffeine or caffeinated drinks, loads of fresh fruit and veg, limited amounts of bread and pasta and regular lean protein, my little nutrient pie charts on Spark People show a good balance of carbs/proteins/fats and I’m doing well with my calorie range, so I don’t think it has anything to do with how I’m eating. Sleep is another matter. I’ve always had a bit of chronic random insomnia; I don’t really focus on it or dwell over it, but it is often hard for me to shut down for the day. I’ve been making a concerted effort in terms of that though. I know sleep is really important, and I’m making a serious effort to prioritize my bedtime. Hopefully that will help me out soon because I seriously feel depleted. I guess maybe I should do some reasearch into how long chemo sticks with you. My body is feeling great though. Stronger than it has in years and more stable. I was noticing when I was walking a few days ago how much more power I feel through my core, particularly through my pelvic area. It’s really such a relief to finally feel strong and sure of myself when I walk again, one step at a time I guess… power walking for now, power working for later Continue reading Day to Day
I started going back into the office to work last week, and well I guess I’d never really thought much about exhaustion before, but I think I’m encountering it. I am so tired my head keeps falling over, but I have stuff I want to get done. The sad thing is I only went to work two days last week and one, so far, this week. Part of my problem is that I have been encountering some terrible insomnia lately; it seems I’m super tired until my head hits my pillow, then I’m wide awake. Continue reading Exhaustion and Eisenhower
I’ve started back to working in the office this week. I was in on Monday and I’m going in again tomorrow. I’m really surprised at how tired it made me. I don’t know whether it was talking to everyone or just the traveling or sitting upright all day or what really. I was proud of myself that I actually got up early enough to fit in a workout though. I’d like to keep working out before work as I think it revs up my brain as well as jump starts my body. I was also able to pack my lunch and take it in so I wasn’t eating crap for lunch, which also made me feel good.
I hope I don’t get as tired tomorrow. I’m not crazy about being so wiped out. I really needed a nap at about 3:00PM or so, and I came home and fell asleep on the couch (that could have been because I had an extra unplanned walk in order to get home though too. The bus run was slightly different than it had been before, and I ended up having to walk about a half hour from the bus stop to home… a REALLY hilly half hour at that :). Still, it felt great that I could do it.
I’m feeling better today, though I have a lingering headache on the left side of my head. What an annoyance. Still I was able to exercise today and that generally lifts my spirits. Walking is pretty much the highlight of my day. Everyday I go a slightly different way. Continue reading Better Today
I am so sick right now; somehow I’ve managed to catch the flu even though I live like a hermit. I went to see my doctor this afternoon and she removed the “dissolving” stitches that were put in after my port removal, and her advice is fluids, no milk and gloopy foods (cheese & white bread…). Ugh I won’t write much as just looking at the monitor is making me want to go pray to the porcelain, but thought I’d pop in anyway just for a brief update. I HAVE to do something to boost my immune system as I can not handle being sick. I’m just not a sick person, even though right now I’m trying to keep myself from pulling out my eyeballs to keep them from killing me, and I would pay someone to put their hand through my skull and yank out whatever is causing my head so much pain, of course I’d probably promptly throw up if they did, but…