It’s Been Awhile

I’ve been so tired lately I just haven’t had the energy to write. When I get home from work I don’t even really want to look at my computer, though that’s when I have to tally up what I’ve eaten for the day. Lately I’ve been too low on my calories throughout the day, and I’m just not all that hungry, but I know I should eat more; just not for my dinner meal. I also have to tally up my exercise for the day, and then fit some extra in to meet my goals. I am feeling pretty good lately though; the only thing is everytime I get a cough or a pain in my hip I freak out a little on the inside about the lymphoma coming back.

It’s really only natural that I’d have pain in my hip and groin, afterall the tumor had caused the bones in the right side of my groin to break in two locations, and so much of my hip was engulfed by it, it’s only natural I’d have some pain as the muscle and nerve fibers attempt to re-establish themselves…. still sometimes I have trouble standing up or I’ll have some pain walking, and I think to myself this was how it started. Usually I cheer myself up though with the thought that maybe my healing goes backward from my decline and a little pain in the area is just the nerves coming back. Still the thoughts of the cancer returning are kind of frustratingly pervasive at times. I don’t know where I read that it sometimes metastasizes to the lungs, but I had a wee cold last week, and the thoughts were really annoyingly present, even though I knew it was just a cold. What’s even more annoying to me is that I’ve read that my specific type of lymphoma with my staging etc. has better than a 94% 10 year survival rate (after 5 years if your cancer hasn’t popped in for a nasty reminder visit you’re considered cured and no more likely than someone who’s never had cancer to get it again), so those are really great odds, but still my annoying little brain wants to niggle and worry me. I hate when my brain isn’t logical. I can’t follow what’s going on when it gets all emotional on me, whats more, it never seems even vaguely like a good thing when it decides to be all emotional… it’s not like it gets out of control happy or anything… It generally only uses its amazing powers of emotional persuasion to make me worried, angry or unhappy… stupid brain

I guess it’s not helping that my cat has had two nosebleeds in the last week and a half… that’s a likely sign that HIS cancer is back. I am handling it better this time, but it is so hard to think of having to put him down. It’s not time yet, it probably won’t be for a few months still, but it’s hard when I know that if it were me I’d want to keep trying to fight, and I feel like he’s the same. At the same time I know it’s futile, and I don’t want him to suffer; I just want him to be happy and healthy, and I really hope he knows how much I love him. Currently I’m looking around for a vet that will perform the services here at my house, because he hates the vets office, and I would just like to be able to hold him and assure him that things are all right when he goes. Though I pray everyday that he’ll be healed and I won’t have to go through with euthanizing him.